Category Archives: My Australian Story

Making hamburger patties out of MY HEART! and a couple wicked cool pics.

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Oh boy – I don’t know if you caught my last post but here’s a little reminder of what you missed

PART 3

If you can’t tell – I MAY have been a LITTLE crabby that night with my ghetto beach-bum rock-band SUCKING neighbors – and because of a few other things like the fact that MEN DON’T HAVE HEARTS!!!  BUT!!!  GUESS WHAT????  LAST NIGHT I WAS EVEN MORE CRABBY!!!!

MORE!!

Hard to believe – I know.  But it’s true – or at least it WAS true for the whole of a couple hours until a hot knight in damp armor (it was raining outside) rescued me from my rottenness and I got over it – temporarily.

So what could have temporarily made Daisy  MORE crabby than all of those crabby emoticons above??

Oh I don’t know … maybe the fact that North Sydney aka CommitmentPhobe aka Ultimate Douchebag aka HE’S DEAD TO ME decided to call and RIP out my heart – total gory Halloween style – and SMASH IT UP INTO A NICE MUSHY MUSHNESS and FRY IT UP LIKE A HAMBURGER.

For those of you who can’t keep up with all the soapyness that is the opera of my life – here is the QUICKEST RECAP EVER:

We dated a bit, I hated him for a bit, I fell in love with him for a bit and TWO weeks ago he told me he was ready to take a chance on love (this was TWO WEEKS AGO!!)

LAST NIGHT he called to tell me HE HAS GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER WITH HIS EX from two years ago THAT HE’S ALWAYS TOLD ME HE COULDN’T STAND and THEY’RE THINKING OF MOVING IN TOGETHER!

Say WHHHAAATTT???  Two weeks he told me I WAS THE ONLY GIRL IN HIS LIFE.  Right.  Can we say DOUCHEBAG??

My mom says he’s dead to us.  So guess what??  I hope he DOESN’T rest in peace and GUESS WHAT ELSE??

This is his official Daisy Blog Obituary.

CommitmentPhobe was really cool until he turned into a weird-o freak.  Ultimate Douchebag was always a douchebag.  And although I fell in love with North Sydney and his child and although he loved me in his own twisted way too –  he only loved me as his emotional and relationship CRUTCH and it’s time to let him walk all on his own.   Good Riddance!

And if I could stick my tongue out in childish glory – I soooooo would.  But he’s “dead” to me now – and to my mom – so I think it’s time to live it up a little in Sydney before I go home.  Watch out!  I usually take the high road…

but I think it’s time to take a walk on the wild side.

in other news, I took these really cool photos that you may or may not have seen on my other blog 4, 5, 6, ELEVEN Petals.

Daisy says the Darndest Things days 20-31

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It’s been awhile.  Like over-a-week-awhile.  Like the longest-I’ve-ever-gone-without-blogging-while.  Not a good thing.  What’s happened in the last 11 days??  A whole lot of not a whole lot.  Yeah – that’s right.

First I had an assignment due – a big one.  That was due 2 weeks ago.  I still haven’t handed it in.  Things haven’t been going as smoothly as hoped.

Day 20, 21 & 22- when I was still optimistic about my essay

20/365

21/365

22/265

Day 23 and 24 – Remember how I decided no more kissing North Sydney because HE IS A COMMITMENTPHOBE who FREAKS OUT every time HE kisses me!?!?  Yeah – that didn’t last long.  And then I went to my international adviser and she told me that she struggling to try and work with me because I’m smarter than her and my life is very complicated.  Gee – that’s encouraging. (insert glare.)

23/365

24/365

Day 25 and 26 -  I think it was about THIS point in my life when I discovered North Sydney didn’t remember ANYTHING about our meeting, his “stalk you later” phone calls and our very brief romance a year ago.  I very bluntly called this to his attention. :)   He tried to kiss and make up – I rolled my eyes and laughed.  Then I tried to do my essay and fell asleep over and over again.  Oh and I discovered I can tell the difference between fresh and not-as-fresh M&Ms. oh yes.

My angry face hee hee 25/365

Chocolate on My Lips 26/365

Day 27 – I went and met with the adviser again and this time she was more encouraging.  We determined that I’m having issues with essay writing because of my first semester as a graduate student when I had a super nasty teacher who used her dislike of my nationality to influence the marks she gave me.  As a straight 95% and above student my whole life – I lost all confidence in my ability to be a student after I received her grades and this lack of confidence is a detriment to my current studies.  :(   We agreed that discrimination and racism are out of my control and I need to try and move forward.  I decided to study in the park under the bright and beautiful sun.

Studying in the Park 27/365

Day 28 -  I actually went to class – instead of staying home sick like I did the rest of the week.  Class was REALLY good – I’m in the process of animating a girl on a swing set.  It’s a lot of fun and I can do it for hours and hours without getting bored.  A BIG relief from essay writing.

Flip Flop Season!! 28/365

Day 29 and 30 – I’ve had insomnia like no other the past couple of weeks.  “Bones” the television series has become my nightly insomnia treatment.  It also makes for great dreams.  I’ve never been a better crime fighter/super hero/pretend anthropologist in my life. :) lol.

Watching Bones 29/365

Bedtime!! 30/365

Day 31 – One month down – 12 more to go.

I love you! 31/365

It means “I love you” in sign language.  I might have accidentally kind of said something that would indicate the possibility that I COULD be in love with North Sydney.  I didn’t mean to!!  It slipped out!!!

He said- “You need to have kids.  You will be a great mom.”  (a nice compliment bcuz he has a child.)

I said – “Yeah but finding the right guy is going to be next to impossible.  I think I’ll just settle with my dogs – they’re like my kids.”

He laughed and said, “You’re getting close.  If you mix CC+4 with -3 you’d almost get the perfect man for you.”

I said, “Yeah but I’m never going to meet someone who is perfect and there isn’t going to be a guy out there who is a cross between all the good of CC+4 and all the good of -3.”

He said, “You never know…”

I said, “What I really need is just to find the American version of you – then I’d be set.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT!!!

I told my flatmate that I couldn’t believe I let that one slip out!!!  North Sydney gets scared off every time he kisses me – and then I tell him he’s like the perfect guy for me??  My flatmate said, “Yeah but do you feel that way?”  I said – “Yes.”  And my flatmate said, “Well then you told the truth.  You shouldn’t be worried about it.”

He’s right.  I told the truth.  And fortunately for me – North Sydney DIDN’T freak out – he just took it as a compliment – and things are the same as always.  :)

The post that never was, closure w/CC+4 and yay for friends!!!

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Have you ever written a blog post only to find it mysteriously disappeared??  That happened to me yesterday – it was a big sucks.  I explained how I finally got closure on CC+4 and I told a snotty/funny story which can’t be recreated so to sum up the gossip – he basically informed me that WITH ME he was only looking for a good time – say WHAT??  Niiiiiicccccceeeeee.  And I call bull-crap!  Why?  Because he also confessed a while back that the reason he stopped talking to me last semester was because he was looking for MORE and he thought I was only looking for a good time.   But WHAT.EV.ER.  I suppose if we’re making attempts to be happyhappyjoyjoy we could be grateful for the closure. YAY FOR CLOSURE!!!

or something like that …

Do things happen for a reason?

Who knows for sure – but looking back on the past year of my life I can tell you I can kind of see how lucky I am to have had the trials and difficulties I once hated.  It’s been a crazy path – a tearful journey – and also lots of fun!!!  I’ve grown so much – even my family has noticed!!  And I want to give a shout out to all of my bloggy friends, all of my new friends in Sydney, all of my old friends in Utah and … I think it’s time to give a special shout out to North Sydney – my BFF in Australia.

Thank you – all of you!!

You make my life brighter. :)

And now – back to that special shout out to my Aus-BFF … remember CommitmentPhobe?  No?  That’s ok.  He was the first man to sweep me off my feet in Australia.  Charming – hot – romantic – I was scared and when he gave me flowers I left them at his house. GASP!!!!  Daisy how could you??

I know – I know … but I was scared.  I wasn’t ready for a relationship and really?  He wasn’t either.  So we became friends.  And now?  One whole year later we’re the best of friends.  I absolutely adore him.  And it’s driving me crazy that I haven’t seen him for FIVE WEEKS!!!  FIVE WEEKS!!!!  I think it bothered him as well … not only did he complain about the length of my trip but he scheduled my first Saturday night home well in advance.  lol.  I talked to him yesterday (the day I arrived) and I told him I want as much of his Saturday as I can have.  He laughed – but I think he feels the same way.

Friends and family are the spice of life – they give a dreary day a spark of color, a dash of flavor/flavour.

And you know what?  That’s something to smile about.

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My little upside down world is going to right itself

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It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day.  I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town.  Yeah – hopefully it will be fun.  I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd.   As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this?  You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.

The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break.  [insert look of death]  I told her I didn’t think I wanted to.  I haven’t booked my ticket home.  I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home.  I don’t care.  Yes that’s right.  Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.

The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?”  Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS.  She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.”  Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here.  And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there.  She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible.  It will rain almost every day.  It’s only for a month or two.  Go home and recharge.”  haha!  Nice try.  I don’t mind the rain.  In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.

Then she stabs me in the heart.  “But what about your dogs?”

DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT!  And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself.  What is going on?  What is my problem?  What happened to me?  I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.

My heart received the biggest jolt.  My reality shaken.

Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me.  Yes, yes.   There IS something wrong.  Yes – there is a problem.  It’s been going on for a year now.  And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse.  So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to.  And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him.  Yes I will read your stupid packet of information.  Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you.  And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.

And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.

And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.

Umm – Whaaat? Eew kissing is gross!

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HAHA!  Today I was so like “I’ll show him!” and then at the end of the night it was like, “D@@@@@mn – he showed me!”

Look the guy blew my mind with his wit and sarcasm the first night I met him and that same night after hours of conversation he ended the night with a peck – and only a peck – on my lips and walked away.  I was surprised yet happy about it – though BEWILDERED because the dumbdumb guy didn’t ask for my digits.  What?  Yeah he didn’t.

Well time went on and I ran into him again.  He confessed his dumbdumbness regret about the digits and then whisked me off my feet.  Pretty literally.  AANND he took no time at all to turn the peck from the time before into a little badaboom vroom vroom and we totally pashed.  [wait - no reprimands yet please.]

THEN we saw each other a few times and he pulled a DTR on me.  WHAT?  A DTR is a “Define the Relationship” talk where you decide if the badaboom really has enough vroom vroom to go anywhere. I was FURIOUS.  I had prevented and managed to escape any and all forms of DTRs for the past 2 years.  And then what – I go on like 2 or 3 dates with this dude and he’s asking me where it’s going?  Umm – No thank you please.  Go away.

So I told him I didn’t see it going anywhere and he was like, “That’s good because I was worried you may be looking for something and I really want to take this slow” and then he slowly faded from my daily life.  Hmm … surprise surprise right?  Who wouldn’t slowly disappear after what I said?  (let’s NOT mention how I also pushed away CC-450 by telling him I was dating tons of people right now even though I WAS dating significantly less because I really really liked CC-450 even though he APPARENTLY didn’t like me and ok? thanks! xo)

I’ve got issues!  I know!

So blah blah blah – I met up with this “wow” when I got back from holiday and he was so NOT wow.  In fact he was a total DB.  To the EXTREME.  And then FM forbade me from seeing him again.  Until finally TODAY I decided it’s been long enough and I could see him again.  :) But I strictly or not so strictly decided I was going to just be his FRIEND - a NO KISSING friend (we were always JUST friends anyway – whatever.)

Well I was doing well when I saw him.  He went in for the customary kiss on the cheek greeting but wait – hold up – he wasn’t going for my cheek – umm … what do I do?  umm … pause – awkwardness – dart left, dart right – darn darn – why did he just move when I went for his cheek?

UGH!  Look I TRIED to go for his cheek.  I did.  I promise.  But he was NOT going to let that happen.  So I got a smooch.  Which is WHATEVER because I KNOW he does that with his other friends – wait what?  Yeah – he’s like a kiss slut and NO that doesn’t mean he and I are destined to be together.

So then we had a lovely dinner.  We had a lovely chat after dinner and before we knew it we had talked for HOURS.  And then he drove me home (but in the American way which means we got into his car and drove to my house and not in the AUSSIE way which means something very different.)  At my house I said goodbye and went in for a kiss on the cheek again – because I’m strong like that :) and THAT was when he smooched me AGAIN! And THEN I pulled away and he stayed there.  And stayed there.  And stayed there.  And I was like, “Umm …”

Ok just kidding it was more like I went in for the cheek and didn’t feel bad at ALL when he went for the lips and then I pulled away but noticed he stayed so I went back.  hee hee.  I’m bad I know.

BUT GET THIS!  That’s it.  Yeah.  I know!

And then he asked me to come do some work for him on the side next week. Umm … ???      ????

Well alrighty then – that’s fan-flippin-tastic. We’ve gone from friends to friends who pash to friends who don’t talk to friends who smooch to business??  Wait – but that’s not what I had in the cards!!!  OOOH!  I got PLAYED!

Yes-sir-ee-bob I was played.

And I liked it. :)

Goals vs. Direction & SYTYCD Slideshow – YAY!!!

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Having goals and having direction in life are not one-in-the-same.  I am GREAT at making, working toward, and achieving goals.  But direction?  Well THAT my friends is an entirely different matter.  In THAT particular realm of existence, I have none.

I could recite some scholarly psychological reasons for my lack of direction, I could offer some heart-wrenching excuses – but the fact of the matter is – doing such will not get me any closer to finding my life’s compass than I was before.  And this is a very big problem.

I began my Australian journey long before I had ever considered Sydney as a place to live.  It began with a sense of unrest.  An unspoken yet annoyingly nagging feeling that I needed to be somewhere else, doing something else.  I didn’t know where, I didn’t know what, I didn’t know why or how.  I only knew that 1. change was necessary, 2. it needed to be big, and 3. it needed to be international.

Other than this my only main life goals were a post-graduate education and hopefully a job doing something I enjoy.  So that was it.  I tried to envision a more concrete “5 year plan” like WHAT I should major in or WHAT I would like to do as a career but I didn’t even know if I liked sushi, or what was my favorite flavor of gelato!  Not that this mattered – the point was I had no idea what I wanted.  It seems a funny thing happens when the unexpected becomes the goal – suddenly it becomes very difficult to want or plan anything – those wants or plans can’t be “unexpected” if they’re planned can they?

So I strolled along the avenues of my life, searching for open doors to take me from my street into a world unknown.  I figured eventually I’d discover a path and it would just “work out.”  When I found the door to Australia open, I ran inside and locked the door behind me.  No turning back.

INTERMISSION:  I’ve decided to fulfill my promise and post pics from SYTYCD!!!  Be warned – they’re pretty flippin amazing ;) – though the end of the slideshow got a little messed up – but hey – c’est la vie.

Ok – back to it.  There was just one little problem – I still had no idea what I was going to do.  I only knew WHERE I was going to do “it.”  I had reached my “goal” – big, international change with a bonus helping of post-graduate education – but I had no direction.  Peace and Conflict seemed a noble and worthwhile goal – until I discovered that the walls of that hallway were painted with hypocrisy, agendas, and lack of structure.

I backed out of that one and thought “Hmm – Digital Communication sounds nice.  Digital IS the way of the future and communication is my thing.”  But today as I was doing my research I was told DO NOT MAJOR IN ANYTHING COMMUNICATION- or at least not if you have to pay for it.  My source was quite reputable, he recently retired from being the President of a broadcasting company.  His opinion is that my degree would be the worst investment and biggest waste of money ever.  How’s that for reassuring?

MINI BREAK :) Here is a clip from the show … watch for us on the lefthand balcony of the stage.  :) This was my fave performance and you can totally see us!!!  Here is Gianne and BJ.  (skip to like 1 minute in to avoid the boring talking part.)

And now I’m left wondering what the use of goals are if you have no direction.  And though of course, indirectly, the whole purpose of this “unexpected” thing was to discover my unexpected but entirely desirable “direction in life” – but I fear I’m as far away from that goal as I ever have been.

I guess the good news is that along the way I’ve learned some pretty amazing things and revived a few old goals – like the whole R word which leads to the L word which leads to the M word (shudder) I didn’t have that in the 5, 10 OR 20 year plan – NOW – well … I am still not planning on it – but I definitely wouldn’t mind considering it.

WHICH BTW – The FM gave me a spreadsheet-ish breakdown of the differences between a DB (like Captain Charisma or U.D.B.) and a nice guy (like the dude from the party on Sunday or potentially CC+4 or Ben but since FM hasn’t met those boys he isn’t willing to call them nice yet.)  SO I will post the differences tomorrow.  :)

As well as my view of boys who use emoticons.

AND TO MAKE THIS THE LONGEST POST IN THE WORLD (not so large exaggeration) here’s a sucky one in which we are in MOST of …  Talia and Emmanuel (skip like before …)

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My Australian Story Part 3 – Our Dance

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Do you ever feel like you need a week to just catch up on life?  Things have been so crazy hectic for me the past couple weeks – I feel like I’m behind on everything – including just THINKING!  I have been so busy I’ve barely had time to think!!  I keep wondering when things are going to slow down – get back to “normal” – but my life is just go-go-go.  I don’t see it changing either – I start an intensive summer school course in 2 days and then a new semester so yeah … But this is NOT a complaint.  I’m happy to be busy – I’m just a little surprised I guess.  )

So if you missed the background of “My Australian Story” you can click on the following links to catch up.  )

Where did I leave off?  Oh yes.  We locked eyes in the crowd and then he disappeared.

I was totally ok with it.  Say what?  It may surprise you to learn that I didn’t mind losing him in the crowd but I was in VEGAS of all places – not my ideal place to meet men (no matter how much electricity our gaze may have held.)  But then as I was weaving through a different crowd our eyes met again and my resolve to be stubborn weakened.  He was keeping me in sight – and I liked it.  And there was just something about him…

An exasperated Sheryl grabbed my arm and literally pulled me onto the dance floor.  She said we had to dance to give him the chance to find us.  I resisted.  We were in VEGAS!!  What was the point?

A very drunk Australian came over and tried to dance up on us.  His accent was so heavy.  I told Sheryl he was probably faking it.  LOL!  I ignored the Aussie until Sheryl grabbed me again and said, “What is wrong with you?  This guy is with your boy!  They’re from Australia and are just passing through Vegas for the night.”  Oh roll my eyes!  My already not-going-to-happen Vegas fling just turned into impossible.  He’s from another country?  Now there’s REALLY no point!!  (Btw – this was a year ago ok?  D I am not quite as negative now.  lol.)

And then there he was introducing himself to me, “Hi I’m Dave.”  Choke – cough!  Please he did NOT just say his name was Dave!!!  I hid my laughter.  It figures that would be his name.  Want to know how many Daves I’ve dated?  Too many.

We started talking.  Really talking.  His dating resume was impressive – intelligent, hot, fit, world traveler, ambitious etc.  He really WAS too good to be true – except there he was in front of me and it WAS the truth.

When he tried to kiss me 2 hours later I turned my cheek.   He didn’t give up.  I let him kiss me on the eighth attempt.

Oh if I could only describe the butterflies in my stomach and the smile on my face.  I tried to fight it … but there is no escaping your fate once you are on the right path.  We had to meet.  I had to meet him.  That chance encounter – the dance – the kiss … they were the pebbles tossed into the glass lake of my life whose ripples changed everything.

I spent 5 hours with him.  The chemistry was amazing.  The conversation was amazing.  We clicked.  And when we said goodbye he said the one thing I never expected.  “I WILL see you again.”

What?  How?  He was going back to Australia in a couple hours.  But he looked me directly in the eyes and said it again, “I WILL see you again.”  And as I walked away from him I believed it.  I didn’t know how it would happen – I didn’t know how the whole night had even happened.  But looking at him – those eyes – I knew he meant it.

True Story

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OOPS!!! I wrote “Please Stop Knocking” the day it happened (and yes – yikes! – it DID happen) but I wasn’t planning on posting it (which is why it WAS listed as “uncategorized” – I’ve fixed that now – thanks t.k.foster!)  Sure I knew I had scheduled it for the future but I ALSO thought I had published it as a draft (which meant it wouldn’t actually post) … I was a little surprised to have comments on something that wasn’t supposed to publish.  lol.  Ah well – now it’s out in open.

I am ok and my flatmate arrived shortly after I wrote the post but it’s NOT the end of the story and I ended up having to spend the night at someone else’s house later in the week to be safe!  AGH!  Did it all work out though?  I’m not sure!  This happened 2 days before I left for my holiday break.  But I have good faith (fingers crossed) that all will be fine when I go back!

I’ll fill you in with the rest of the details soon but it’s too much to write in one post.  I think I’ll wait to finish this story until it ties in with “My Australian Story” because – well – it DOES tie into it!!!  Oh and if you happened to have read “The Days of My Life in Bondi 2026″ – I’ve decided I AM going to make those public again and finish that story as well.   But since my “soap opera” ALSO ties into “My Australian Story” – I’ll wait until it fits in the time line to incorporate those.  )

Per Tonya’s request however -  if you are interested – here are the original episodes from

The Days of My Life in Bondi 2026

Anyway – Mondays or Tuesdays will be the day each week that I post segments of this saga – I’ve sure enjoyed living this story (yes these stories are true!) and I hope you enjoy reading about them.  )

Please stop knocking.

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Late night.  Sunday evening.  It’s dark outside.  I’m alone in the house.  I have my laptop with me in the living room; I’m working on an essay.   Dancing with the Stars blares in the background.  I think I hear knocking.  I’m not expecting any visitors.  I ignore it.  The noise grows more intense.  Knock-knock-knock-knock.

It can’t be knocking.  My flatmates are all gone for the evening.  None of their friends would drop by unannounced.  This is what cellphones are for right?  I mean if someone needed to reach me they would surely call right?  No one surprise visits unless they are very familiar and anyone I’m very familiar with would call me after their initial knocks went unanswered.

I continue to ignore the noise.  It is definitely knocking.

It’s been over a minute now.  Surely whoever is there will get the hint and go away.

I call my flatmate.  “Umm … someone is knocking at the door but I’m not expecting anyone.  Are you expecting anyone?  Is there anyone you know who would drop by?  Because they just keep knocking at the door and they won’t go away…”

He replies, “Don’t answer the door.  Stay where you are.  Don’t go anywhere.  Whatever you do, don’t answer the door.  I’ll leave now, I can be there in 30 minutes.”

KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK.  The knocking grows faster paced and more intense.  I freeze.  Something doesn’t feel right.  The knocking pauses.  I can hear my heart pounding.

It starts again.

My heart drops into my stomach.  Please, please stop knocking.  Please, please go away.  Deep breath.  I had forgotten to breathe.

My flatmate calls, “Is the knocking gone?  Don’t go outside until I get home ok?  I’ll be there soon.”

And now I wait. The knocking has stopped.  Deep breath.

A sudden unexpected memory.  “If you try and ignore me I know where you live,” he said to me. “I don’t have to answer the door,” I replied.  He smiled very calmly, “Yes but there’s always the window.”

What was that?  I must be imagining things.  There it is again.  Oh please… please make time hurry.  I look around.  There is definitely a new noise.  Oh no.  Oh please no.  Please, please, please no.  Please.

Why does it sound like there is someone outside of my window?

I’m too scared to look but I think I have to…