Category Archives: Bathroom Horror

There IS a Bathroom Demon – and he’s out to get me

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There comes a time in our lives when we have to confront our demons.  My time is now.  Ordinarily I would do tons and tons of research – wait – scratch that – normally I would procrastinate doing the research until FINALLY I decided I couldn’t procrastinate any longer and then I would do enough research to make sure that the decision or action would also need to be procrastinated … but unfortunately I don’t have time to read all of the latest self-help books this time and I’m fairly certain that a 12-step program is out of the question.

Here’s the timeline of trouble:

  • It started with an ocean adventure last May. I got sea sick, went below deck to vomit and discovered a toilet full to the brim of you don’t even want to know what.  Gag me!  Oh wait – I was about to throw up anyway!  My friend graciously handed me a bucket – yes a bucket – so that I could throw up in that – so exciting.  But that’s not the best part!!!  We hit a pretty big swell and I was THROWN to the side of the bathroom – did you remember the toilet was full?
  • Not a month later I found myself LOCKED in a public bathroom stall in a deserted bathroom.  I literally POLICE KICKED THE DOOR to no avail. I was trapped.  Trapped in a PUBLIC, DESERTED BATHROOM STALL.
  • Next there was the moth.  The horrible HUGE BLACK KILLER MOTH.   I was terrified to use the bathroom at work for days.  And then when I snuck to another floor to use their bathroom I found myself in a men’s bathroom.  AGH!
  • And let’s not forget the time I discovered a black spider crawling up my bare thigh in my bathroom, or the time I was about to get in the shower (translation: I wasn’t wearing any clothes) and had to stand on top of the toilet to kill a poisonous spider, but slipped, fell and dropped the last and only roll of toilet paper (my weapon of choice) into the running shower.
  • In addition, it would be remiss of me to leave out the time when I was “stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet when a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum came within inches of my toes.”  Oh yes.
  • So it’s time to confront the demon.  The bathroom demon.  About 2 weeks ago I walked out of a public bathroom and someone stopped me to tell me I had toilet paper stuck to my stiletto. HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is terrible right?  It gets worse – much worse.
  • Yesterday there was a lizard in my bathroom.  THERE WAS A LIZARD IN MY BATHROOM!!!! I’ll admit it was small – but that kind of made it worse!!!  Especially because it didn’t look like a normal lizard.  This lizard was JET BLACK and SLIMY.  It looked like a worm with legs.  I hate worms.  And my clairvoyance told me it wanted to burrow under my skin.

So – Mr. Bathroom Demon (who my flatmate says is named Helga … say what?) ok so Ms. Bathroom Demon – I admit you exist.  And now that I’ve acknowledged my demon I’m pretty sure fireworks are supposed to fly from the sky and whisk my demon away.

Hmm …

Nothing’s happened yet. Self-help section here I come!

Bathroom Horror Strikes Again

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First off – I can’t be bothered making this post butterflies and rainbows.  It’s really late at night and guess what?  You’re going to hear it like it is – are you excited?  )

So there I was … La-di-da … in the bathroom, tinkling (lol – what a great word.)  When whadayaknow – a COCKROACH THE SIZE OF ANTARCTICA crawls within INCHES OF MY TOES!  I scream.  Not a baby scream but a full blown scream with the addition of “[insert swear word] that’s a [insert swear word] big cockroach.” And then I pull my legs up so that I’m balanced on the toilet seat.

For the record, I try not to swear but when I’m stuck with my pants down tinkling on the toilet and a cockroach so large it should really be displayed in a museum comes within inches of my toes – well …it’s hard to maintain my general level of etiquette.

Am I exaggerating?  Let’s be literal.  Take your thumbs and place them together.  Look at the width and length of your two thumbs together.  That’s the literal size of the cockroach.  Have you imagined that yet?? because if you have you may understand why I say that thing was the size of Antarctica!!!  Now imagine that cockroach, that is literally the size of both of your thumbs put together, just caught you tinkling, with your pants down and no where to go.

I was in absolute terror.  Seriously – what was I supposed to do?

So I stayed there precariously balanced on the toilet and attempted to herd it under the sink with the toilet brush – cringing in horror and disgust as it scuttled along.  Amazingly, I jumped from the toilet into the shower and was able to get dressed AND wash my hands without ever having to touch the floor.  The demon stayed under the sink and I DASHED to the kitchen for the bug spray.  After putting down a 6 inch barrier of poison on the floor it was time for me to call it good.

I put the bug spray away and screamed again (though just a baby scream this time) when not more than seconds later I found the demon dying just outside the bathroom.  It had crossed the line of poison already.  I should have felt guilty at its death but it was headed in the direction of my bedroom and yeah …

My life gets better every second.

Spiders give me the heebie-jeebies

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I have a 6th sense for spiders. In fact, I have superhuman peripheral spider radar vision. Yeah – it’s true. And try to say THAT ten times fast. No not “that” ten times – try to say superhuman peripheral spider radar vision ten times fast. Oh yeah – it’s not easy to say.

Which is why this gift is such a burden. Superhuman powers that are a mouthful to say are more special than the ones that aren’t. Let’s just agree that I’m right.

It’s like the time in the middle of the night that I crawled out of bed to go to the bathroom and caught by the reflection of moonlight the spider crawling up my bare thigh. If I wasn’t cursed with this amazing gift I wouldn’t have had to SCREAM, freak-out, and in a spasm to get that blasted thing OFF of me I wouldn’t have bruised my hip on the bathroom counter.

Or today when I noticed on the ceiling above my shower a little BIG HUGE spider that was most assuredly harmless a deadly one that was more scared of me than I was of it wanted to not only BITE me but to burrow under my skin causing a slow and painful death… if I didn’t have this gift I wouldn’t have had to try and balance precariously on the toilet and use a roll of toilet paper to try and kill it. And then when it didn’t die and started crawling along the toilet paper roll toward my SKIN I wouldn’t have dropped the last roll of toilet paper into the running shower, screamed, fallen off the toilet and then panicked to try and find out where the spider landed.

Oh the joys of superhuman powers. And p.s. heebie-jeebies is a word. I attached the definition.