Again and again and again. Sucked in. It’s the romantic in me, the part I try and SQUASH DEAD. *wink*
Heaps on my mind. I used to be so good at blah blah blah-ing about it. And NOW it seems the second I open wordpress my words and thoughts vanish. Maybe that’s not such a terrible thing – it can be my new form of denial and escape. I’ll just sit here and stare at a blank screen and all my problems will be forgotten. Ahhh yeah. That’s like Angels Singing AHHH!-some – on opposite day. oh wait. Are angels even allowed to participate in opposite day??
Yeah – so – yeah. I opened my laptop to write about something or other and rather than giving in to my newest mental block I’ve decided I’m going to keep trying, day after day, until I find my voice again. Or until I get distracted or bored.
What’s the latest? I’ve fallen in love with Crystalised by The xx again. I’m also debating falling in love with N.Sydney. It wouldn’t take much for me to fall, just permission. Not from him. From me.
I’m not sure what’s holding me back. I mean – obviously fear of being hurt is part of it – but I feel like maybe there is more. I think maybe that more is in the shape of BFF#2. Although, conversely, I also think that maybe, just maybe, I might be MORE inclined to run to N.Sydney because of BFF#2. BFF#2 reminds me of N.Sydney in many ways. BFF#2 and I dated, we adore each other, but now we’re just friends and I don’t really see that changing. N.Sydney and I dated, we adore each other but we could never be “just friends”. N.Sydney has had a place in the back of my heart for the past 3 years – I love him. And now, life has changed and our situations might finally allow for more, for the more we weren’t ready for back then.
I was pretty set on moving until BFF#2 played devil’s advocate. And now I’m here. In the same place as before. Not quite sure about anything and in a constant battle with myself on how close to let myself get to him. I’m ok with the way things are now – I’m happy being friends, and ONLY friends. BUT this is uncharted territory for me and so I stay very, very cautious, especially since I care for him as a person more and more all of the time. The last thing I want is to let my guard down and foolishly develop *those* type of feelings for him. That would screw everything up and inevitably end in heartbreak for me.