Category Archives: My pathetic heart

The L word, Pics, CC+4, #3 and Love really IS a battlefield

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It’s late at night and I’m going to overshare.  It’s not that I don’t recognize that I should create rules for myself – like maybe “If you know you are tired and are aware that you could be admitting/confessing information that may be best to NOT share on a public website – DON’T!!”  because I totally do.  I KNOW I should be careful when I’m tired but at the same time when I’m tired I can’t be bothered to follow rules.  GASP!  Yeah yeah – I know – I’m in love with rules but tiredness makes me EXTRA apathetic.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*

It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.

THAT’S RIGHT!  I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …

LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD

The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here.  One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield.  … I never meant to start a war.”

I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha!  OUTLINE!!!

  1. #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
  2. I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
  3. #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
  4. I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
  5. #3 FREAKS OUT!!  He just wanted to spend quality time with me
  6. I think “oopsie!”
  7. #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
  8. #3 tries to upset me
  9. I get upset
  10. #3 drops the L bomb

#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!

And then I say, “What?  No I don’t think so.  You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”

He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies.  And I’m left bewildered.

And then I went boating and well – see for yourself.  Me w/CC+4.

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A picture speaks a thousand words.  And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes.  Volumes and volumes.  It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again.  It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me.  And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.

I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!!  And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t.  I’m slipping – I have feelings for him.  But …

I can’t.  I really really can’t.  My heart can’t take it.  Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week.  Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me.  Not when – well – not now.

My life is in Syndey now right?  I live there.  It’s where I’m supposed to be.

right ?

And I REALLY like #3.

So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go.  Figuratively of course.  I need to tell my heart to let him go.  I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term.  And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.

I guess that settles things.  I have feelings for #3.  I have feelings for CC+4.  #3 has feelings for me.  CC+4 – ??  #3 wants a relationship.  CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart.  And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave.  It’s time to let go.

But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??

An unexpected escape and another evil escalator

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Have you ever ridden a train/subway early on a Saturday morning?  The normal hubbub and noises are gone.  It’s quiet.  You encounter only a few other riders but they are focused and quietly keep to themselves.  No one sees you.  It’s too early in the morning still.  You are invisible for a moment – just for a moment.

This is how I began my morning.  A silent observer to a nearly silent world.  A little dose of surreal in my ever hectic life.  I enjoyed my moment of tranquility – lost to the world.  It was exactly what I needed.  A moment of calm.  A moment to wonder, free from the stress of life.   Who would have thought I’d find it in an underground train station, on a very gray morning?

Waiting

My ipod was playing a chill mix on random.  The perfect music to tune out the world as I waited for the train.

The words, “I wanna be the one that you call when you get down. No matter where you are in the world I’ll be around,” brought me back to the present.  To the train. To the horizon rolling past.  What?  We were about to go back into a tunnel – but … wasn’t I just waiting in the train station?

I was so happy in my thoughts.  So content.  Until those stupid words interrupted me.  [sigh.]  I don’t know how it happened.  How could I be so oblivious to my surroundings and randomly – or seemingly randomly – be brought back with a few lines?   I’m not sure.  But I know that although I may not have heard or noticed anything before that song – I heard and saw everything after.

exit 1

Which was great (on opposite day) because then when I tripped up the escalator THREE times I couldn’t even blame it on daydreaming.

And if you’re wondering how in the world I could have possibly tripped THREE TIMES on ONE ESCALATOR – keep in mind that 1 – I always WALK up the escalators and 2 – a BLOOD-SUCKING escalator once tried to EAT my toe (click here for that story) and ever since they’ve been out to get me.  So this morning it went like this.  Trip – step – Trip – step – TRIP AGAIN – oh lol for real – I really did trip THREE TIMES IN A ROW.  And it must be late at night otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t be admitting this.

“Fly me away, on an aeroplane.  High in the sky.  Wanna see you again.”  ~Goldfrapp


Lost in beauty

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The garden took my breath away.  Completely frozen, I could do nothing but wonder in awe at the beauty surrounding me.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  Colorful.  Alive.  I slowly turned a circle.  It couldn’t be real but it was.  The flowers smelled sweet.  The birds chirped merrily.  I could see the sun’s rays dancing off the flower petals.  I had stepped into a piece of heaven.  And I never wanted to leave.

peace

Botanical Garden, NZ

I’ve heard it said that in these moments of solitude, when the world ceases to exist and you lose yourself in the beauty of the Earth, we find answers to what we seek.  It has never worked that way for me.  No no, it is my experience that when I lose myself to the beauty of a moment, my problems become lost as well.

peace-2Road in Mexico

Why am I bringing this up today?  Probably because I could use an escape.  I want to be lost in my surroundings again, far from the troubles weighing on my mind, far from the mental battle raging in my head.

My little security bubble, the independent ideal I claim to be striving toward, my foolish defensiveness built on a foundation of pride, it’s all under attack.   Do I really want what I say I want?    The whole, “I don’t need or want anyone else in my life EVER,” the “I will play tons and tons and  never get emotionally involved,” – the whole, “If I always am juggling then my heart will be safe …” is that still me?

It was SO much easier when I was so sure of what I wanted, or thought I wanted.  I was foolish and naive to think I would be immune to the ever-changing world.  Of course what I wanted yesterday would be different tomorrow.  But just for tonight I want to go back.  Back to the world where “alone” was desirable, where the R word was deplorable, where my conscience never guilted me for pushing people away.

Take me back to a yesterday, one far from this place.  Let me lose myself in a picturesque landscape once more.

My hours of loneliness

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Over the past 2 months I have been struggling with the Uni of Sydney over an application to change my Masters degree.  It wasn’t a matter of qualifications – just logistics.  And this logistical struggle forced me to miss enrollment – which – in turn – made me face the possibility that I may have to delay my studies for a semester and possibly be deported.  You can imagine all of the thoughts going through my head!!! Is this fate?  Is it time to go home?  Do I want to stay in Sydney?  Am I ready for this chapter of my life to be over? Going back home really wouldn’t be THAT bad – I have a life there – my dogs are there – my family is there – my heart is still there.  And so I prepared for the “worst” – going back home.

I received the official word on my app today.   I may commence a Masters in Digital Communication and Culture on Monday (yep – in one week.)  But instead of feeling relieved and thrilled at the prospect, I feel lost and confused. Is this really what I want?  Is a Masters in Digital Comm going to get me anywhere?  Do I want to live down here for another year?  I miss my puppies. :( Remember the tears from the other day when I was homesick?  Wow do I hate tears.  I’m tough!  I’m strong!  I don’t cry.  Except for those times when it’s 11:45 pm on a Monday night and I feel lost, confused, homesick and there is no one for me to talk to – and then – and only then – a few silent tears escape.

This is the only time of the day when both of my worlds are off limits.  No one is awake yet in SLC and everyone has just gone to bed in Sydney.

Life became terribly complicated very quickly …  I don’t know what to do.  And I’m afraid that Digital Comm is going to end up being like Peace and Conflict – a complete waste of time that gets me no closer to my ultimate career goals.  Speaking of which – I don’t even know what those are.  I just want a job that is creative, challenging, involves design and/or writing, people skills and bonus if it’s for a non-profit org.  Do I really need a Masters for that?

I don’t know.  But I DO know a hug or maybe some puppy time would be really nice right now.

A Down and Up Day

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First and foremost I want to tell you that I have this extreme paranoia that when I eat grapes I’m also eating spiders.  And you know what?  I have a really good explanation for this which I am NOT going to share at this particular juncture.  :) Juncture?  You mean a particular point in time (especially one that is critical or important)?  Yes that’s exactly what I mean (which is why I used the word silly!)

The particularly important point in time I’m referring to is RIGHT NOW.  And RIGHT NOW I have more important things to discuss.  Like the REAL LIVE FARMER I met tonight at the Establishment (A Salsa Club.)  He almost had my heart until he said his dream job would be to sell pot for a living.

[awkward silence]

Alright-y then – I’ll let you guess how long it took me to excuse myself from that one.  (if you guess more than a minute – you are wrong.)  lol.

This morning was pretty rough.  :( I set my FB status to “Daisy is homesick.  Very, very homesick.”  I felt the prick of tears more than once and finally had to go for a walk to clear my head.

est-31

I’m in Sydney now – thinking about home isn’t productive.  Especially since I’ve only been back for 2.5 weeks.   2.5 weeks?  Oh boy – we’ve got a LONG way to go.  In fact, I’d almost say it seems my time in Sydney is interminable (score!  WOTD – word of the day – “interminable” was just used in a sentence.)  hooray!

Ok back to being homesick.  This is my home now.  This is where I live.  And it’s time to LIVE here.

My FM and his GF took me out dancing tonight – part of Operation Help Daisy Make A Name For Herself in Sydney.  I’m not sure if it was just being with them, experiencing a little taste of Sydney’s night life, or all of the hot men that checked me out ;) but I had a wonderful evening and YAY I’m not as homesick.

est-9est-8est-4

est-1est-2est-6

And as far as Operation: HDMNHS – someone at the Salsa club tonight actually asked my flatmate, “Is her name Daisy?”   CRAZY!!  She recognized a picture of me from Facebook.  Oh why oh why haven’t I gotten an acceptance letter from the Uni of Syd yet?  Digital Communications is like PERFECT for me.  I even get recognized at Salsa clubs in SYDNEY from pics on FB!!!!  HAHAHA!  Seriously – LOL!  I love it!:) I may have started the day feeling as dreary as the sky above – but I ended it with a smile on my face.

Oh – so a Curriculum Vitae is a resume – gotchya.

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What a trip the last couple days have been.  I’ve been struggling to get my application approved with the University of Sydney, trying to pack to go back, trying to have a “relationship” even though I leave TOMORROW!  Can you believe it?  I go back to Sydney TOMORROW!!!  Insane.

What am I doing having a crush right now?  And why have I written off other boys for this one?   This isn’t like me and it makes me nervous.  What am I doing?  I’M MOVING ACROSS THE WORLD TOMORROW – THERE IS NO ROOM FOR BOYS IN MY LIFE!  I don’t want to get my heart roped up in anything.  And not that I think my heart WILL necessarily get roped up in anything … but … well … I need to stop using “…” right about …. NOW.

It doesn’t matter though right?  I leave tomorrow.  I’m going back to the land of Oz where people talk funny and their tuna tastes better.  Oh and they have gelato – which is like my fave.   So, it doesn’t matter right?  Boys – dating – relationships – none of it matters.  And the little tug I feel pulling at my heart – that’s probably nothing right?  Right.

And by the way – a Curriculum Vitae is the same thing as a CV which is the same thing as a resume.  Just in case you were planning on applying for a job in Australia – it’d be a good thing to know.  )

AND – sorry about my slacking off on posting about the cruise and my Australian Story – I was with CC+4 last night and didn’t have time to post.  Soon.  I can’t wait to tell the story about how Adorable boy played the boy scout card and kissed me at the Whale Tail.  lol.

Writing Prompt: 2nd person narrative – direct commands to self

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In case I still haven’t found an internet connection … here is a true story written a little differently.  )

The assignment: 2nd person narrative – direct commands to self.

Pull into your parking spot. Jump out of the car. Hurry, you’re running late. Wait! Don’t forget to lint brush.

Let your love for your dogs who shed incredible amounts of fur show in your face as you think about all the hair you have to remove from your pants. Remember they are worth the extra fuss and the few stray hairs that the lint brush never gets.

Now, quickly throw the lint brush back in the car and grab your keys which you left in the ignition. Try not to be so ungraceful. Secure your badge. Straighten up! Press the “lock” button on your key remote at least twenty times. Maybe try to remember to replace the battery soon!

Work it while you walk because … try as you may … you were totally ungraceful when you were grabbing your keys from outside the car, struggling around the steering wheel and then grabbing for stuff on the passenger seat – all without actually having your body in the car.

Move those hips – you have some making up to do!!! Don’t look behind you because the super hottie is RIGHT THERE!

Wave good morning to the security guard. Move in closer for a more formal hello. Glance over your shoulder to see where super hottie ended up. Look away! Look away! Say goodbye to the security guard and smile to yourself because super hottie wasn’t only looking at you when you glanced over your shoulder but he was laughing at you too. Feel content that you entertain him because any attention is better than no attention. Be grateful that he at least notices you.

Also, make a mental note to be more graceful when you are in a hurry. Do the math in your head and realize he would have seen the dance you did while lint brushing your butt. And then recognize that he would have also watched you wrestle with the steering wheel and witnessed you fall over yourself to get your stuff out of your car.

Pick up the pace to make it to the elevator. Be aware that super hottie totally just slowed down for you to catch up. Smile politely at him as you walk past him. Act like you don’t notice he slowed down to walk with you. Remain mysterious.

Be self conscious that you missed a few stray hairs on the back of your black pants as you wait for the elevator. Try not to fidget because super hottie is standing DIRECTLY behind you.

Graciously thank super hottie for being a gentleman when he extends his arm toward the open elevator right next to him, signaling for you to go first.

For real – stop fidgeting, you’ve been alone in the elevator with him before. Cast a quick glance in his direction and then look straight forward. Don’t let your eyes falter. Keep your eyes on the door, he’s closer than you were aware and he will notice if you look at him again… and he probably noticed the quick glance you threw in his direction already.

Breathe. Remember to breathe. Count the floors silently as you pass them. Take a deep breath – it’s ok that it’s taking 40 times longer to get to your floor than usual. Don’t lose your patience just because you’re nervous. Be aware that you’re about to hit his floor but don’t look at him. Stop turning your head in his direction. Wait … stop looking at him. Don’t make eye contact. Hey – stop making eye contact. Don’t smile! STOP SMILING!

Well don’t be surprised that he’s talking to you now. And make sure that he doesn’t see the shocked jubilation all over your face.

Analyze his smirk… it’s teasing … perfect. Look at him innocently. Observe his voice, smooth and deep, “So… Dog or a cat?” Comprehend the question. Really do try not to blush!

Answer, “Two dogs actually.” Smile coyly. Now ramble because you’re nervous, “Kind of a lot but that’s what lint brushes are for. They work ya know?” Feel dumb because you just said something dumb.

Experience relief as he gives you a happy smile and nods his head in affirmation while saying, “Yep.”

Say goodbye as he exits the elevator. Allow the feeling of elation to sink in because he talked to you. Shake your head softly in disbelief and smile as the elevator continues to your floor. Sigh because he’s so adorable.

Marvel that you keep getting stuck in the same elevator with him but be cautious not to label it fate just yet – although it really is amazing that out of the thousands of people in the building he is the only one you happen to ride the elevator with time and time again.

Dream about the next time you will see him. Hope it will be soon.

How many carrots are too many?

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I had a whole lot of words written for today’s post.  And then I deleted them.  I have more pressing things on my mind than my meeting up with MIUB after 8 weeks of being home.

8 weeks.

It took 8 weeks.

I’ve been faced with a whole lot of feelings today.  I hate feelings.  I didn’t hate feelings when I was always suppressing them.  But suppressing feelings isn’t healthy and I’ve vowed to correct this flaw. So now I’m sitting here eating a whole lot of carrots wondering about my feelings.

I feel hurt by LOSER even though I knew he was a loser and he failed the kiss test. Then Dance Dance failed the movie test which is totally a deal breaker.  He also failed the kiss test.  And that’s a bigger deal breaker.  My date tomorrow has already failed because he reminds me too much of MIUB.   And MIUB is as self-absorbed as ever and yet I find it strangely appealing.  (oh and btw – he aced the kiss test with flying colors.  ERR!)

And then all of the sudden I’ve realized I have strong likes and dislikes.  I’ve lived such a people pleasing life that it’s hard for me to be assertive about my likes, dislikes and needs.  But now that I recognize them I have to act on them.  And that’s a lot harder than I thought. And Dr. Sarcastic from Sydney changed my life because he made me acknowledge and admit out loud some of my fears – fears that are irrational.  And that means I have to do something about them.  And that’s hard too.

And the biggest feeling of all?  The one I’ve been suppressing for 2 years?  I don’t know what happens to people after they die.  And I’ve never really accepted or recovered from my brother’s untimely death at the age of 29 just two years ago.

Oh and I don’t have a 5 year plan.  I don’t even really have a 1 year plan either.  My only plan is to go back to Sydney (maybe) and finish a Masters in some form of English (hopefully.)  After that I have nothing.  And I think this is a really bad thing.

Role Confusion

I am an intense person and sometimes I forget that other people don’t share the same intensity.

Matty Matt tells me I am far too idealistic – and being the intense person I am – I am intensely idealistic and forget that others don’t share the same ideals

My dad told me today that I have smudged roles together – that of family and friends.  I have had intensely idealistic ideas that my best friends should be my family.  And I’m sure you can imagine what I’m about to say.  It didn’t occur to me that my brothers may not feel the same way.

With what I can only call foolishness, I approached my relationship with my little brother with all the intense ideas I held.  Looking back, I can see how my attempts to befriend were probably annoying and overbearing.  And for that I am terribly sorry.

Sometimes I’m so dumb.  I went about it all wrong.  And it’s no one’s but my own fault that I recognize with a broken heart that I’ve been living in a one-sided ideal.

Hindsight is 20/20.