It’s late at night and I’m going to overshare. It’s not that I don’t recognize that I should create rules for myself – like maybe “If you know you are tired and are aware that you could be admitting/confessing information that may be best to NOT share on a public website – DON’T!!” because I totally do. I KNOW I should be careful when I’m tired but at the same time when I’m tired I can’t be bothered to follow rules. GASP! Yeah yeah – I know – I’m in love with rules but tiredness makes me EXTRA apathetic.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?? *big smiley face*
It means I’m going to give you a debriefing on CC+4, #3 and that new Jordin Spark’s craptastic song that I downloaded because well – LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD – oh and I’m also going to explain why I am at war.
THAT’S RIGHT! I’m AT WAR!!! … or at least my heart is …
LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD
The song says “Don’t try to explain your mind I know what’s happening here. One minute it’s love and suddenly it’s like the battlefield. … I never meant to start a war.”
I’m trying to decide how to make this long story short – ah ha! OUTLINE!!!
- #3 calls and quizzes me on my “sportiness”
- I wonder why the BLEEP he’s telling me he wants to get me into the gym
- #3 confesses he thinks I’m wonderful
- I say, “Yeah except you think I’m fat.”
- #3 FREAKS OUT!! He just wanted to spend quality time with me
- I think “oopsie!”
- #3 decides we don’t understand each other and wants to get to know the “real me”
- #3 tries to upset me
- I get upset
- #3 drops the L bomb
#3 DROPS THE L BOMB!!!!!!
And then I say, “What? No I don’t think so. You can’t drop that on me right now while you’re PURPOSEFULLY TRYING TO MAKE ME UPSET!!”
He blah blah blahs some more and his phone dies. And I’m left bewildered.
And then I went boating and well – see for yourself. Me w/CC+4.
A picture speaks a thousand words. And this pic in color – well – it speaks volumes. Volumes and volumes. It’s a great picture but I can’t go down this road again. It hurt too much last time. He crushed me when suddenly stopped logging onto skype, stopped responding to emails – he deserted me. And yet the feelings were instantly rekindled when I got home … but I don’t work that way.
I CAN’T TURN MY HEART OFF AND ON LIKE THAT!!! And seeing him again … I can’t … I can’t. I’m slipping – I have feelings for him. But …
I can’t. I really really can’t. My heart can’t take it. Not now – not when I’m supposed to leave in a week. Not when #3 is dropping the L bomb on me. Not when – well – not now.
My life is in Syndey now right? I live there. It’s where I’m supposed to be.
And I REALLY like #3.
So CC+4 – well … maybe I need to let him go. Figuratively of course. I need to tell my heart to let him go. I need to focus on what’s REAL. And although my feelings for him are most definitely real – CC+4 has not done anything to lead me to believe he has any intentions for long term. And if I can fully let him go – my heart will have no strings holding it back from #3.
I guess that settles things. I have feelings for #3. I have feelings for CC+4. #3 has feelings for me. CC+4 – ?? #3 wants a relationship. CC+4 and I live 8,000 miles apart. And now I just have to convince myself that spending time with CC+4 will do nothing but make the break in my heart more painful when I leave. It’s time to let go.
But … if that’s the case – why does my heart feel this way??