Category Archives: I’m a weight conscious freak

Dancing to no reflection – Green Velvet feat. Kid Sister

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It’s no secret I work on my personal development by seeing a counselor.  She’s pretty freaking cool except today we were talking about that blasted sea salt diet and how I signed up for a total fad diet when I didn’t need to lose weight, she goes, ”It’s sad isn’t it?  The hold narcissism has on you.”

Umm – WHAT??? then she tried to back track and be like, “Oh narcissism isn’t that bad – it’s just another way of saying vanity.”  But the damage had already been done.  She called me narcissistic!  Me?  Narcissistic?  I mean I only have a blog dedicated to my life, I participate in photo projects that include taking a picture of myself every single day for a year, and I like to dance in front of the mirror.  What’s so narcissistic about that?
;)  hahahahaha

ok ok – maybe she had a LIL bit of a point.  But only a LIL bit.  Then she goes, “I think you should put away your scale and your mirrors for a week.”  AND to add insult to the injury, she said, “Don’t worry, most people who are narcissistic just have really low self-esteems and we already knew you had a low self-esteem.”

Ohhhhhhh  kaaaaaaayyyyyyyy

Look – I was already FLOORED by her narcissistic accusation.  SHOCK!  Hello??  She wasn’t supposed to be so BLUNT!  And then she tells me to give up my scale and MIRRORS for a week??  And tells me my narcissism is a front for low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.  Say WHAT?  I stood up to leave (the session was over) and she added, “Oh and this includes reflections in buildings or glass – but you can look at your face in the mirror if you want.”

I walked out of her office in complete and utter disbelief.  I’m still in a little bit of disbelief.  And then on the way home when I realized how many reflections I had to STOP myself from looking into – HAHAHAHAHAHA that’s when I decided – ok – I’ll do it.  But just because I CAN – even though you all don’t believe that I can.  :)

Tonight – here’s what I’ll be dancing to – with no reflection.  My mirror is covered up.  Oh dang.  Can I really go SEVEN DAYS???

Paradigm Shifts – Half-full cups sound better (plus pics plus sweet cover song)

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When I began this post I was going to title it “What I’m missing out on.” But then I stopped.

Yes – it’s true – I DID miss out on the family party shown below (pics courtesy of my older brother and father) but labeling it as “what I’m missing” makes it bittersweet.  And quite frankly – though I LOVE dark chocolate, I like my life to be a bit more on the sugary side. :)   So INSTEAD – let me show you what I have to look forward to in about 4.5 months.  :)

This Smile

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These Puppies

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My precious nieces

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Family Fun

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Bocce Ball

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Giggles and puppy play

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Unconditional Love

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That’s right – I have a whole lot of GOOD to look forward to – and although I may be missing out on some of it at the moment – it will be waiting for me when I finish here in Australia.

My adviser has been talking to me a lot about refocusing unconscious situational judgments.

I do it ALL of the time.  “Ooh – I missed out on that” instead of “Sweet! I can’t wait for next time!”  Or “Last semester SUCKED!” instead of “Last semester was a good growing experience.” AAANNNDDD I refer to 6 months ago as “when I was fat” when I only weighed 7lbs more than I do now!!  Problems??  I think so.

My adviser ALSO talked to me about learning to FEEL small emotions instead of rationalizing them away.

I’m the queen of logic.  Yes-sir-ee-bob! I sure am!  And guess what??

Emotions aren’t logical!!

So although I tease a lot about “hating” this or being “bugged” by that – I usually rationalize away my feelings and never take the time to ACCEPT that I feel this way.  It’s ok if this sounds confusing – it is.  :)   But the jist of it is that although I use exaggerated negative language to describe situations – I never actually ACKNOWLEDGE my feelings about the situation.  Of course exaggerations aren’t to be taking seriously and I never take my feelings that seriously either.

Anyway – I’m now working on this … and I’m just OVERJOYED about it.  ;)   HAHAHAHAHA!  teasing.

oh and I’m sorry if I haven’t commented for awhile!!  I am still a faithful reader to the people I follow – I just haven’t had time to comment. :)   I will be fixing this!!

Day 39-41
39/365 waiting for class

40/365 carpet in old teacher's college

41/365 - Rozelle - old mental hospital

Bleeding Love COVER by Mystery Jets – LOVE IT!!

toes = numb, fingers = blue, heart = ice

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My dad wrote the last blog post and he used a SWEAR WORD!!  Omgosh.  I’d tell on him but I haven’t quite figured out how to tattle on your father.  Hmm …. doesn’t dad-ee-O know that we only use FAKE SWEAR WORDS on this blog??

ok so I have a lot of random thoughts today and if it weren’t so MOTHER TRUCKIN GOSH DARN FLIPPIN COLD inside my house right now I’d probably maybe take the time to sort through the randomness and blog it all with love.  But my heart has turned to ice, my toes are numb, my fingers are blue and I created a playlist on my ipod called “It’s so effin cold outside – I need to get warm” filled with booty shakin’ music which gets under my skin so that I would be inspired to move around and be warm.  Pathetic?  North Sydney says “Not pathetic hun, just special.”  Great.  Luv that.

Ooh speaking of North Sydney GUESS WHAT?  I’ve officially called quits on the non-platonic inclinations between the two of us because I am kinda sorta “seeing” #3.  This is great and terrible.  GREAT because it’s surprisingly brought North Sydney and I closer together as friends (I can’t wait to see his son again on Saturday!!) and it’s TERRIBLE because:

OMGOSH! Do you know what this means?  This means I must kind of like – umm – well – like – LIKE #3.   AGH!  And that is TERRIBLE!   I don’t even know if he kind of like – umm – well – like LIKES me in return.  I would suppose that he does at least KIND OF like me but – OOH let’s change the subject.  Sunday after #3 and I went to the rally/protest we headed over to Manly.

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And it was SO PRETTY!!  There was a Wine and Food Festival going on and people were walking around with wine glasses strapped to their necks. WHHHAAATTT????  You mean you’re actually too lazy to HOLD your wine glass?  You have to WEAR IT around YOUR NECK??

I told #3 I HAD to sneak a pic of it and so he walked right up to the dude I was trying to photo stalk and was like, “Hey she’s from out of town and would LOVE to get a picture of one of those wine glasses.”  So the dude totally was like – well see for yourself:

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And #3 scored himself some extra bonus points for humoring my whims and for being bold enough to make it happen!  (He also scored points because he made me try oysters and I LIKE THEM. YAY!)

Ok in other news – it’s still freezing cold, my heart is still ice, my fingers are still blue but my toes are a BIT warmer.  :) AAANNNDDDD tomorrow I go back into the dumb Dr.  I’m SO SICK OF DR’s APPOINTMENTS!!!  Remember awhile back when I finally caved and decided I’d “get better” and stop being so obsessed with my weight and image??  – You don’t?  That’s ok.  FYI – I did.  :) And now I’m like WHAT WAS I THINKING???  Getting better sucks and is a crap ton lot of work. No for real – it is.

Oh but here’s another pretty picture.  :)

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I think I’m mostly only dreading tomorrow because I didn’t do what she asked me to do *guilt* and because it’s at 8:30am and is an hour away.  SUCK!!  But for real – did I REALLY have time to read the book she suggested at the end of the semester?  probably.  But not definitely.  And did I REALLY have time to make appts with the OTHER specialist she wanted me to see?  probably BUT I think my subconscious deliberately lost the number I needed to call.  Oops!  Soooooooo yeah ….  tomorrow starts the next chapter in recovery because tomorrow I have to account for myself.  Suckity suck suck suck.

Take a pic of yourself RIGHT NOW – oh and I’m for REAL yo!

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If you’re reading this – I tag you.  No take backs!  You’re TAGGED.  Because if I voluntarily agree to play games that force people into taking and posting pictures of themselves at hours in the morning when they shouldn’t even be awake then so do you.  :) Hee hee.  Ok actually YOU are probably not reading this first thing in the morning.  But I read MY tag first thing in the morning.  And see the results?  SUCK!  ah well – it is what it is:

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What are the rules?  Take a pic of yourself RIGHT NOW and post it.  Hope your pic is better than mine.  :) That’s a rice-milk-rice-protein drink – NASTY!  But I drink it EVERY morning and this morning?  I weighed in at a nice and healthy 6lbs less than 2 weeks ago when I flipped out and started this dumb diet.  IT’S WORKING!!!  Hip hip hooray!

Oh and apparently it’s all a buzz on twitter that some chica who I’d never heard of was stealing people’s blog posts and pretending like they were hers.  WTF??  Can we sa “La-who-ooo-ZER.”  Which is a really lame way of saying “loser.”  DUDE MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE!

So guess what?  I decided to tell y’all that – my life is MY LIFE.  The ups, the downs, the craziness.  None of it is manufactured – I’m for real yo!    And all of those soap opera posts – TOTALLY HAPPENED.  Except I am going to admit I do TAME THEM DOWN because this is a family friendly blog.  :D Yeah – I TAME them – I don’t pad them.

K – have to go to some orientation and then talk to a teacher about an assignment.  Then I have to WORK on that assignment then go to some social media event – BUSY DAY!!

xoxo~Daisy

My little upside down world is going to right itself

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It’s now the afternoon of a fantastically beautiful day.  I’ve showered, am about to get ready for what should be a rowdy night on the town.  Yeah – hopefully it will be fun.  I had an offer to stay in tonight but there’s something soothing about losing yourself in a crowd.   As you slowly work yourself into the center of attention you are no longer the lost little girl whose younger brother disappeared from her life, you are no longer the lost little girl with no older brothers to turn to, you are no longer the lost little girl who feels more and more lonely every day despite your ever growing social circle. And more than all of this?  You are no longer the ridiculous little girl who is obsessed with her weight.

The International Student Adviser suggested I go home for the winter break.  [insert look of death]  I told her I didn’t think I wanted to.  I haven’t booked my ticket home.  I haven’t put my room up for hire and I haven’t even looked at a calendar to see how many weeks until I COULD go home.  I don’t care.  Yes that’s right.  Daisy – the girl who had a 16 week countdown last semester and couldn’t WAIT to get home now doesn’t care.

The counselor argued “Yeah but what about your family?”  Well I talk to my mom or dad every day or every other day but if I go home I have to face the fact that recently my brothers chose to exclude me from their lives – going home HURTS.  She counters, “Right but you have such a solid support group there.”  Well yeah sure I have friends there but I keep in touch with some of them here.  And as far as going to parties – I can do that here or there.  She tries again, “But the weather here will be terrible.  It will rain almost every day.  It’s only for a month or two.  Go home and recharge.”  haha!  Nice try.  I don’t mind the rain.  In fact, the rain quite suits me as of late.

Then she stabs me in the heart.  “But what about your dogs?”

DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN DARN IT!  And that’s when I realize I’ve completely lost myself.  What is going on?  What is my problem?  What happened to me?  I should be COUNTING DOWN the very days until I can see them again.

My heart received the biggest jolt.  My reality shaken.

Suddenly I could HEAR everything she was trying to tell me.  Yes, yes.   There IS something wrong.  Yes – there is a problem.  It’s been going on for a year now.  And yes, when my brothers walked out of my life it got significantly worse.  So YES I will go see your other counselor even though I don’t want to.  And YES I will go see that other Dr who is not going to like what I tell him.  Yes I will read your stupid packet of information.  Yes I will keep a journal of stupid things that I DO NOT WANT TO KEEP TRACK of for you.  And finally yes I will see you in a week, and another week, and another week.

And though I slightly resent it, yes I will get better.

And it is at this point that I realize my dogs have once again saved me from myself.

Wobbly bits, the Sydney stone and ANOTHER diet

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They call it the Sydney Stone.  I call it a big sucks.  What are we talking about?  The weight people gain when moving to Sydney.  I gained it the FIRST time I moved here but then I LOST IT ALL when I went home.  But then I moved back and GUESS WHAT?  I bet you’d NEVER EVER EVER guess – btw – I’m on one today – I gained it back.

Bonnie Lad’s GF explained it well.  “Oh yeah the Sydney stone, it takes all ‘em nice firm bits, tha’ones that were so grand ‘n like, yeah it just turns em into wobbly bits.”

Wobbly bits.

I don’t want any wobbly bits.  No, no.  MY BITS – I’d much prefer to keep ‘em grand ‘n like – thank you.  So what’s the next latest and greatest obsession/fad/phase that I’m signing up for?  [shake my head in slight dismay]  I don’t know.  But she (the naturalist) said take this, this, this, this, this, this, this, AND add this, this, this, this to your diet and then also change up your workout routine.  Wow – ok so that’s a lot of stuff.

But fine.  Whatever.  I’ll do it.

BUT THEN she said, “Oh and no sugar, honey, or really any fruit for 14 days. ”

WHAT?

Look – I was willing to take this, this, this, this, this, this and ALL OF THAT OTHER STUFF and I was willing to ADD this, this, this and ALL OF THAT OTHER STUFF and I was even willing to shake up my exercise plan.  But please tell me that she did NOT just say no sugar, honey or fruit for 14 days.

But she did.

And I said, “Ok.”

But I only said ok because this is a “jump start” plan – I’ll be back to NORMAL stuff in 2 weeks (or so she says I will be.)  So what’s the magical new plan?  I’ll tell you:

All Day:  2 liters of water

Breakfast – 400 mg Hydroxycitric acid (pill A,) 500 mg Boulardii (pill B,) 8 oz. Rice Protein Drink made with Rice milk, 1 tsp Psyllium Husks and if I want I may also have gluten-free muesli.

Low Tea – 10-12 almonds

Lunch: Pill A, 1 Glucose Manager (Pill C,) 2 slices multi-grain gluten-free bread, 95 g of Tuna and some veggies if I want.   Or salad may be substituted for the bread.

High Tea – 10-12 almonds

Dinner: Pill A, Pill B, Pill C, some type of meat (making sure to have red meat 2x per week,) broccoli or zucchini, and either a sweet potato or brown rice.

Nightcap – Licorice Legs Tea

I’m just so-gee-whiz-thrilled – or something like that.   No – to be honest – it’s not really all that bad.  Is it?  It will just take a certain degree of discipline and determination (things I have.)  She thinks I should be able to lose 3-5 kilos in 2 weeks with this.  Fingers crossed!!  I’ll let you know how it goes.  :)